What I Want Love to Feel Like
- Stephanie Lamancusa
- Sep 2
- 8 min read
Updated: Sep 3
A Nervous System-Level Redefinition of Love
Let me be honest with you: there was a time when I thought I knew what love should look like.
I had my checklist: funny, deep, employed, texts back, bonus points if he liked dogs and didn't flinch at therapy talk. But what I hadn’t yet asked myself was the question that changed everything, and it was this:
How do I want love to feel in my body?
That question cracked me open.
Because after years of dating while healing trauma, learning to trust my own nervous system again, and unlearning what I thought I had to be in order to be loved… I realized I didn’t want to chase someone who looked good on paper.
I wanted to feel safe. Desired. Seen. I wanted to exhale in someone’s presence instead of holding my breath.
This section of the course, well this post, this moment, is for getting crystal clear on that deeper truth. The one that’s been waiting under your people-pleasing, under your fear of being too much or not enough.
Before we can call in aligned love, or deepen it, we have to feel it in our bones first.
Not just what it looks like. What it feels like.
📍From Checklist to Compass
Let’s be real: for most of us, attraction has been shaped by cultural scripts, family expectations, past wounds, and (let’s be honest) some fairly chaotic dating app swiping.
We’re handed checklists early on: tall, educated, funny, ambitious, into hiking, bonus if they text with punctuation. And slowly, without realizing it, we start choosing people based on how well they fit those boxes... not how we feel in their presence.
But here’s the thing no one teaches us in school or rom-coms:
Someone can look perfect on paper and still feel misaligned in your nervous system.
And when you’ve experienced trauma, especially relational trauma, your body is often trying to protect you by scanning for safety or danger even when your brain is stuck trying to decode whether someone’s a “good match.”
That’s why we begin here: by learning to feel our way into alignment. Because the question
Isn't just: “Who do I want?” It’s:“ How do I want to feel in their presence?”
We’re not throwing out standards, we’re raising them. This work is about moving from checklist to compass, a deep, embodied sense of knowing.
So instead of looking for the “right answers” in a dating profile, we begin tuning in to your own internal guidance system. This is your Emotional Compass: your inner clarity, informed by truth, groundedness, body cues, and emotional integrity.
And let me be honest with you, this compass? It’ll serve you in every kind of relationship, not just romantic ones.
🧭 Your Emotional Blueprint
Now, let’s build the map.
This is where you name the emotional and sensory experience you want love to be rooted in, not what they do for a living, how often they text, or how photogenic your couple selfies will be.
Ask yourself:
“When I’m in a connected, nourishing relationship, I want to feel…”
Then go deeper:
What are five emotional words and five sensory words that capture the essence of love you want to exist inside?
And more importantly: why do they matter to you?
Here’s my own, to help stir yours:
Safe: because I’ve been the version of myself who questioned everything I said and did in a relationship. I want to feel like my nervous system can exhale in love.
Curious: because love should grow me. I’ve been stuck before in patterns, in roles, in routines. I need space to explore and evolve.
Desired: because I’ve played the role of the “safe choice” or the “caretaker,” and I’ve craved being seen, wanted, chosen.
At peace: because I used to confuse adrenaline with affection. Now, peace feels like passion’s wiser sister.
Valued: because I’m done being appreciated only when I’m useful. I want to be loved simply because I exist.
Now it’s your turn.
Let your answers be messy. Let them be honest. This isn’t about sounding poetic, it’s about telling the truth your body already knows.
A Quick Therapist Tip
If you're having trouble naming how you want to feel, start by naming how you've not wanted to feel in past relationships. What made your body tighten? Your energy shrink? Your heart doubt? Flip those into their opposites. That’s your compass beginning to calibrate.
🌀 Sensations of Love
Love isn’t just a feeling. It’s not just words, gestures, or grand declarations.
Love is physical. It lives in your nervous system. Your body knows before your mind does whether something feels safe or destabilizing, nourishing or depleting.
I didn’t always know how to listen to that. For a long time, I mistook anxiety for chemistry. My heart would race, my breath would shorten, and I’d call it butterflies. But it wasn’t excitement. It was my body warning me. Telling me, Something here is familiar in a painful way.
And because I hadn’t yet learned to trust my own inner cues, I chased what felt intense. What felt familiar. Even when it hurt.
This part of our work, of your work, is about reclaiming that inner wisdom.
Let’s begin gently. Take a moment, place your hand on your chest or your belly. Close your eyes if you’d like. And answer:
When love is aligned, my body feels like... My breath feels like... My shoulders feel... My stomach feels... My energy level is... My instinct is to...
You don’t have to write full sentences. You can write phrases, shapes, sensations.
For me, aligned love feels like warm sun on my skin. My breath slows, deepens. My shoulders drop two inches. My stomach softens instead of knotting. I feel a quiet aliveness, not a buzzing urgency. My instinct is to allow, not to brace.
Now, go back in time.
Think of a connection that felt emotionally unsafe or uncertain, romantic or not. How did your body respond?
For me, it was tightness in my chest. Sleeplessness. Constant overthinking. Feeling like I needed to say or do the “right” thing to keep them close. I was present, but not at peace.
Now, think of a moment, maybe with a friend, a dog, a partner, or even alone in nature, where you felt truly emotionally safe.
What’s the difference?
📖 Rewrite the Story in Your Body
This is where the healing becomes real, not just conceptual, but cellular.
Because for many of us, especially those who’ve known trauma, our bodies learned early on that love was a battlefield. That connection came with a cost. That being loved meant being small, quiet, accommodating, or invisible.
And that story doesn’t just live in your memory, it lives in your shoulders, your gut, your breathing, your sense of safety in a room.
I remember the moment I realized my nervous system was still bracing for love to hurt, even after years of therapy. A kind person looked me in the eye, told me they weren’t going anywhere, and my first instinct was to flinch. To doubt. To protect. But slowly, gently, I’ve rewritten the story in my body. And you can too.
Let’s start with this simple, powerful framework. Take your time. Let your truth rise. And honestly answer:
Here's mine:
I used to choose people who made me feel: Tense. Small. Unsure.
Now I choose love that helps me feel: Relaxed. Seen. Safe.
Love used to feel like: Unpredictability. Proving my worth. Giving more than I got.
Because I believed: Passion = chaos. Love = sacrifice. My needs = too much.
But now I know love can feel like: Steady and still exciting. Being chosen just as I am. Mutual, balanced energy.
A Quick Therapist Tip
I've had clients pause mid-session and say, “Wait… I didn’t even realize that what I thought was love was just anxiety I’d learned to normalize.” And I always tell them: That awareness is a breakthrough, not a breakdown.
Rewriting the story means letting your body catch up with what your mind now knows. That love doesn’t have to feel like waiting for the other shoe to drop. That calm doesn’t mean boring. That peace isn’t the absence of passion, it’s the foundation of it.
So what’s your rewrite?
Let your body tell the truth. Let it remember what safety feels like. This is how we learn to choose differently, not just with our heads or our hearts, but with our whole selves.
🎨 Embodied Love Vision
We’ve done the inner work of tuning into your body, your truth, and your emotional clarity. Now let’s bring that vision to life in a way that’s creative, grounded, and real.
Because sometimes the best way to heal isn’t just through talking or thinking, it’s through feeling. Through imagining. Through experiencing love in the nervous system before it ever shows up in your life.
And yes, I say that as a therapist… but also as someone who sat on her bedroom floor one night, heart cracked open, creating a version of love I had never known before. Not because I thought it would manifest instantly, but because I wanted to remind my body that safe love was possible. That I could trust myself to know it when it came.
So now, it’s your turn.
Take a breath. Let your body settle. Let the vision come.
Write, draw, paint, voice-record, or collage a moment where love feels deeply aligned. There are no rules here.
Ask yourself:
What sounds are in the space? Is there music, laughter, silence that feels comforting?
What textures, smells, or colors surround you? Is it soft linen sheets, fresh coffee, eucalyptus in the air, homemade cooked dinner smell lingering?
What’s happening in your body as you imagine it? Are your shoulders relaxed, your heart steady, your jaw soft?
You might envision something like:
We’re folding laundry and laughing about something small. I feel relaxed. There’s no pressure to perform. I’m wearing sweatpants. He’s humming to himself. This is it. The silence between us feels safe, not awkward. There’s no urgency. No need to fix or entertain. We just are, and that’s more than enough.
This isn’t fantasy, it’s embodiment. You’re anchoring in how love feels when it’s aligned. And that helps your body recognize it more easily next time.
When I first did this exercise for myself, I cried. Not because I was sad but because it felt like my inner child and my adult self were finally on the same page. I pictured sitting on a couch with someone who wasn’t rushing me, holding me gently, listening deeply while I shared something messy and vulnerable. In that moment, I felt calm. Grounded. Wanted. And it wasn’t performative, it was home.
That vision lives in my heart now. It guides my boundaries, my choices, my “yes” and “no” in my relationship. It reminds me that love doesn’t need to be dramatic to be deep.
Let this be your Embodied Love Vision.
Something your nervous system can reference.
Something your future self can step into.
Create it with tenderness.
Return to it when you forget.
This is your blueprint and it’s sacred.
So, here’s your invitation: stop chasing the idea of love and start feeling your way into the truth of it. You get to redefine what love means for you, your body, your heart, and your future.
This isn’t fluff. This is foundation. The more clearly you can name what aligned, embodied love feels like, the more powerfully you’ll be able to call it in or protect it once it arrives.
In the next post, we’ll explore the courage it takes to name your needs and be vulnerably, beautifully honest about them.
Until then, stay curious. Stay rooted. And above all, stay kind to yourself. You’re not behind. You’re blooming.
-Stephanie
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